Wednesday, March 30, 2005

I wanT to go BaCk to the PasT...

I am all alone at home as usual... try hard to concentrate on my schoolwork but i just cant.... made a few 'trips' to grandma's room... just feel everything is so unfamilar.... i hate this feeling...
Lately when i go to toilet at night, i'm so so scare.... *scare of darkness+lizards*... in the past... i always comfort myself that granny is there... no fear... but now.... haiz....

I accidentally hit my head against the plank *where the offerings to god is placed* just now.... it hurts... really hurt.... my tears came rolling down again.... my.. in the past i can tell granny... now i got no one to turn to.. no one to dote me as she usually did... no one to give me a pat me when i needed someone to....

i remember the scene when i visited her in the hospital on a Wed... after my mid-terms... i asked if she missed me... didnt get to see me over the 2 days when i didnt visit her as i got to prepare for my exams... she say yes.... i told her i was tired... real tired over the past 3 days... finally can take a rest... she brush her hands against my 'falling' fringe to make them tidy again... and ask me to rest more... how i wish i can go back to the past... if i know she will leave me so soon... i would have spent all my time with her.... she looks so healthy... she sounded robust when she talked to me... she is so optimistic when it comes to life and death... why is she gone... why did she give up at the last moment.... i know that it kind of good tat she left the world peacefully without pain and misery... but... i miss her... really really very much....

CherrieminT

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

I miss HER....

Life is finally back to normal --- without her... i dunno what to expect or what can i expect my life to be like... yesterday was the first day, since she left us, my parents went back to work... the morning is never gonna be the same anymore.... in the past, i always have my breakfast ready for me before i go to school... but yesterday morning.... haiz... guess life wont be the same at all afterall... besides having to do the housework, i do not have my breakfast, no one to nag at me, no one to ask if i have enough money to spend for the day, no one to be concern abt my lunch, my dinner.... no one to ask if i brought my wallet, my handphone and my notes required for the day already.... told u life is not gonna be the same.... perhaps time can always heal wounds... but i guess this time round, it's not for my case... i am so dependent on her that even when i down with small sickness like stomachache, i have to rely on her to apply the medicated oil on my stomach... to pester me to take the chicken essenses she bought for me when i got not enough sleep and also when my exams are round the corner... she's always so concerned and worried for me.... whether am i taking too much heaty food that my nose cant handle.... i really dunno the next time when i'm sick again, i really dunno how am i suppose to deal with it without her.... i was really wondering why did she leave me just like tat.... without directly hinting me.... i really miss her... i really hope that i wasnt working on sunday... so that i can fulfil her last wish and that i can talk to her and ask her to hold on... i noe i am being selfish to ask her to hold on when she's already going through all the sufferings... but i really dunno how to live on without her... i noe she wants to live on... i noe it... she promised me that she will learn how to walk again after she recover and have enough strength.... she promised us to bring us to Canada to visit Geraldine and Adam.... she always claim that she is very good in judging people from their looks.... she say she will help me judge my bf in future.... but she didnt wait for me to get a bf yet.... she left so suddenly... too sudden... that it's really hard to take it.... seeing her at the lift when i rush home the other day, it really hurt me... recalling the scene when the paramedics said that her heartbeat has stopped... recalling the scene where she was in the 'special room' in the A&E department in TTSH.. the doctors doing CPR on her... the moment where the lady doc say that they have not give up on her... and the scene where auntie jane say that she left us... i doubt there will be one day i forget abt all these... i really dunno how am i suppose to hold on... she also praise me in front of my other relatives... always say that i am the best... but i didnt get to serve her on the very last day of her life.... i didnt get to talk to her moments before she really left us.... my friend told me... min... people birth, get old, fall ill, and death... these are just cycle of life... you will get use to it... and she will always be around as she's always in ur heart.... true.... very true... but i hope for more.... being in my heart is not enough... i want her by my side... to witness me growing up and also my children's.... but everything is too late.... it seems like it all a finalised state where no compromisation can be taken place... this sucks man... and i hate it... how i wish i can turn back time where i had a happiest moment with her....

CherrieminT