Wednesday, March 30, 2005

I wanT to go BaCk to the PasT...

I am all alone at home as usual... try hard to concentrate on my schoolwork but i just cant.... made a few 'trips' to grandma's room... just feel everything is so unfamilar.... i hate this feeling...
Lately when i go to toilet at night, i'm so so scare.... *scare of darkness+lizards*... in the past... i always comfort myself that granny is there... no fear... but now.... haiz....

I accidentally hit my head against the plank *where the offerings to god is placed* just now.... it hurts... really hurt.... my tears came rolling down again.... my.. in the past i can tell granny... now i got no one to turn to.. no one to dote me as she usually did... no one to give me a pat me when i needed someone to....

i remember the scene when i visited her in the hospital on a Wed... after my mid-terms... i asked if she missed me... didnt get to see me over the 2 days when i didnt visit her as i got to prepare for my exams... she say yes.... i told her i was tired... real tired over the past 3 days... finally can take a rest... she brush her hands against my 'falling' fringe to make them tidy again... and ask me to rest more... how i wish i can go back to the past... if i know she will leave me so soon... i would have spent all my time with her.... she looks so healthy... she sounded robust when she talked to me... she is so optimistic when it comes to life and death... why is she gone... why did she give up at the last moment.... i know that it kind of good tat she left the world peacefully without pain and misery... but... i miss her... really really very much....

CherrieminT